On page 55, Woolf shows the understanding that Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay mutually share about their relationship. Through their lack of words, it is shown that both value each other and their personal space. In the final paragraph of section 11 Mr. Ramsay wants desperately to reach out to Mrs. Ramsay in her sadness and despair, but by allowing her to wallow, it shows that he understands her need to be alone. This passage says a lot about Mr. Ramsay, as up until this point he appeared to be a negligent father and husband.
It also shows a lot about Mrs. Ramsay, and that though she is able to have her thoughts and deal with her own problems for a moment, she must also allow her husband to feel as if he is useful. She went to him "For he wished, she knew, to protect her." Knowing that he does in fact have the best interests in mind, she feels obliged to continue to please him, rather than stay in a moment that she finds appealing.
In this moment, both Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay are taking actions to please the other rather then themselves--Mr. Ramsay allows her to stay in her mindset of seclusion while Mrs. Ramsay forces herself to leave this mindset so that he can have a feeling of usefulness. Even in attempting to please each other, Mr. Ramsay is the only one truly happy at the end of the moment. Is this necessarily a selfish act on his part, because he outwardly appears so self-centered, or is their relationship naturally off balance?
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I agree that Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay have a unique relationship. While both individuals seem to support one another, they have distinctive approaches towards everyday life. Mrs. Ramsay appears subservient because a radical approach could go against Mr. Ramsay’s principles, as depicted on page 39, “She did not like, even for a second, to feel finer than her husband… But it was their relation, and his coming to her like that, openly, so that any one could see, that discomposed her; for then people said he depended on her, when they must know that of the two he was infinitely the more important.” Due to Mr. Ramsay’s constant need for reassurance and compliments I feel that Mrs. Ramsay is the more stable individual in their relationship. She is exactly the opposite of Mr. Ramsey in regards to soliciting praise, and dislikes individuals thinking of her as superior to her peers. She seems more concerned about how she thinks of herself as opposed to the opinions of others. Ultimately, however, both individuals rely on one another for support and comfort.
As demonstrated on page 66, Mrs. Ramsay felt uncomfortable discussing money with her husband, “for her heart failed her about money, she talked about Jasper shooting birds, and he said, at once, soothing her instantly, that it was natural in a boy, and he trusted he would find better ways of amusing himself before long.” Immediately pacified, she agreed with him and started to think about the flowers in her garden. It’s evident that her husband is there for her and he serves as her ‘support-system,’ but I feel as though she is more concealed with her insecurities while Mr. Ramsay is blatantly obvious that he needs his wife to tell him how wonderful and smart he is; “It was sympathy he wanted, to be assured of his genius,” (page 37).
It is apparent, however, that Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay disagree on numerous topics such as the notion of Andrew attaining a scholarship, “’He should be very proud of Andrew if he got a scholarship’ he said. She would be just as proud of him if he didn’t. They disagreed always about this.” (page 67). Even in regards to James, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay’s opinions differ. Mrs. Ramsey enjoys reading fairy tales to James and she knows her husband would not approve of this. Even at the thought of discussing this with Mr. Ramsey she stopped herself, “No, they could not share that; they could not say that,” (page 68). It’s healthy in a relationship for a husband and wife to occasionally disagree, but keeping things from one another can only end badly.
Mr. Ramsey appears to be a pessimistic and insecure individual and while his wife usually appears fine reassuring him, there are times that even she becomes infuriated with his gloomy outlook on life, “He said the most melancholy things… It annoyed her, this phrase-making, and she said to him, in a matter-of-fact way, that it was a perfectly lovely evening. And what was he groaning about, she asked… for she guessed what he was thinking- he would have written better books if he had not married.” (page 69).
Ultimately, a quote mentioned earlier in the book stands out in my mind, “An unmarried woman has missed the best of life,” (page 49). After seeing how much of a stronger and confident individual Mrs. Ramsey is, and how her husband subconsciously blames her for his poorly written books, I’m not so sure this quote can be applied to the Ramsay family.
I definitely also agree that the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey is definitely one to note. I think that this scene (on page 54/55) was the first time we began to see Mr. Ramsey in a vulnerable state. Throughout the book he had appeared to me to be a very rough character, which was essentially always correct. To see him in this raw, innocent light, made me realize that Mr. Ramsey as a character also has imperfection and insecurities. Here, he yearns to comfort his wife who at the moment looks so down and depressed. "It saddened him, and her remoteness pained him, and he felt, as he passed, that he could not protect her, he was sad," (pg. 54). Prior to this scene in the story, Mr. Ramsey was portrayed as a very "rational" character. He continuously needed to be bolstered by his wife, and she was willing to play this role. Continuously, I to asked myself if Mr. Ramsey is selfish. Not only in the scene where he yearns to help his wife, but through never allowing her to contradict him without a harsh response and always needing her there to booster his ego. Does Mrs. Ramsey even love Mr. Ramsey, or does she just respect him? Though he feels remorse afterwards, when Mrs. Ramsey discusses the possibility of going to the lighthouse tomorrow with James (her young son), Mr. Ramsey snaps, "there wasn't the slightest possible chance that they could go to the Lighthouse tomorrow," (pg. 29). Also, later describing his own wife he tells the reader in a narrative voice that, "and now she flew in the face of facts, made his children hope what was utterly out of the question, in effect, told lies." Overall, I think that the scene that was initially discussed here does present us with a new side to Mr. Ramsey. I look forward to discovering more in depth the relationship between these two as they struggle with the central conflicts of men and wife, and man versus woman.
Very useful
Exctly, I have the same question :
That Mrs Ramsey is actually doing good with Mr Ramsey, if he is an irrational metaphysical figure.
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